The decision to become a stay at home mom or stay at home dad, is a very personal and important one. But also one that both spouses must agree upon, otherwise it can get ugly.
What can you do?
I’ve recently come across this issue amongst friends of mine (offline)…you know out there in that little universe beyond the computer screen. The issue being that, husband and wife do NOT agree on one parent (usually the mother, but not always) staying home to raise the kids while the other parent makes a living.
This is something that 50 years ago was a given, yet now a novel concept. Funny huh.
My decision to pursue stay at home mom hood.
It was about 3 years ago, a good year before marriage was even in negotiations yet that I decided when I have children, I will definitely be a stay at home mom. That decision was inspired by many things, but more notably a dinner I had with an old friend from elementary school. She brought along her brand new, 2 month old baby and when asked if she will be going back to work, she started crying.
Not really sexy date conversation
It was after that dinner, I made my decision very clear to my husband, then boyfriend, not even fiance…which I’m sure seemed a bit presumptuous. He was agreeable though. Of course, I don’t think he envisioned all of this marriage and baby stuff occurring in such short span of time…he probably thought he had a good several years of unadulterated selfish time in front of him…but that’s why I got it in writing.
Only kidding.
I’m not suggesting that a written contract is appropriate in preventing conflict between you and your spouse on such a personal issue, especially because…
Verbal contracts are binding in most states
The best way to avoid disagreeing with your spouse on fundamental family issues, in my personal opinion, is to communicate said issues BEFORE marriage. Or at least before you start a family. Becoming a stay at home mom is not an assumed option these days, most people will be taken aback by your choice, many times even your spouse if it wasn’t communicated beforehand.
So below are some tips to win over your spouse:
1.) Lobbying for Support
If the conversation wasn’t had prior to making the baby, or perhaps you’ve simply had a change of mind spurred by new found motherhood (happens often from what I hear), you will now have to gain the support of your husband or wife, because you both have to be on board.
2.) It always comes down to money
I explained to a friend, in this situation, that she will simply have to ask her husband pointedly, why he’s against her quitting her job to be a stay at home mom. Usually, it’s financial. If so, it’s time to look at the ‘ol budget and see where you can trim the fat. I am in the process of doing this now. For example, we spend $178 combined on our cell phones each month. Ridiculous. Unnecessary. Gone. ( I will miss you my dear sweet blackberry…gone but not forgotten)
You may be able to cut enough out to just make it on the one income, or you may have to find a little work from home job to supplement income. Also make sure to research and make note of the cost of daycare. In many cases, the cost doesn’t even justify that second job.
Check out these resources for living on one income:
- How to live on One Income @Frugal Dad
- Can you Afford to be a Stay at Home Mom @Pregnancy and Baby
- Workers at Home: Thriving on One Income @Passionate Homemaking
- 10 Work from Home Resources for Moms @POM (hey that’s me!)
3.) The winning sales pitch
Now you are armed with the facts. You can present your case to your husband, and since men do much better with visuals and facts, he will be more receptive to this approach, and doing it naked might seal the deal. (if you are presenting to your wife, you can squeeze in how thin she looks, before closing arguments)
You may recall my panicked Saturday Confessional article, I Can’t Afford to be a Stay at Home Mom, many of you wonderful readers really helped me with great insight. It’s definitely scary trying to figure all of this out…I can only imagine how much worse it is to be in disagreement with your spouse too.
If you’ve been in this boat, share your thoughts. And if you try this route…let me know the verdict!
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